Flaming Foxes

A short time ago, in a galaxy not so far away, I had the pleasure of being introduced to the most amazing...being...i have ever had the pleasure of being introduced to. He was a fox. Mind you, he was not an ordinary fox. He was the fuzziest, tallest, strongest pyromaniac fox you could find. My new fox friend, whom we shall call Fuzzy the Uber Fox, was not always a fuzzy, tall, super, pyro fox. It all happened so suddenly, and had something to do with killer cottage cheese. Fuzzy the Uber Fox was walking through the forest, minding his own business, when he stumbled upon a shiny silver object, no bigger than a book of matches. This small object, however, was better than a box of matches will ever be, because it was a Zippo lighter. Now, Fuzzy was fascinated with his new found toy, and decided to see how it worked. He held it in his paws and spun the wheel with his nose, which had seemed like a great idea to him at the time. He quickly changed his mind when his whiskers were engulfed in flame. Fuzzy the Uber Fox ran around the forest looking for a way to put out his still flaming whiskers, when he saw it: a plastic carton labeled Darigold. It took him all of two minutes to get the container open, but give him some credit, he doesn't even have thumbs. Once it was open, Fuzzy didn't wait a second before he thrust his nose into its contents, later identified as two-year-old cottage cheese. Suddenly, there was an explosion, and Fuzzy was covered in killer cottage cheese! But he was heard from again. When he regained consciousness, Fuzzy the Uber Fox was transformed, and, to his delight, even had thumbs! Fuzzy is now a five-foot-tall silver fox that is addicted to fire and eats nothing but cottage cheese.

Icy the Snowman

Once upon a time, somewhere near Nome, Alaska, there was a group of children that always played in the snow together. On one particularly snowy day, they decided to build a snowman. The children made the body and stacked the head on top of it. Then they made buttons and eyes out of coal and even gave him a corn cob pipe. "Let's call him Icy," said one of the children, so they did. After this, the decided some things were missing: Icy needed a hat, a nose, and some arms. So they attached some sticks to his sides and then someone brought out a silk opera hat. "Wouldn't it be hilarious if the snowman came to life just like Frosty when we put the hat on?" one child mused. But nothing happened of course because everyone knows that snowmen can't come to life just because you put a silk opera hat on them. A child then stuck a carrot in Icy's face for a nose, and Icy jumped up and and began to dance around. The children played with Icy for several years because, obviously, it's not very warm in Nome, Alaska. Then a couple of the children decided to get married and move away from Nome. Icy, of course, didn't like the sound of that, so he went to the makeshift airport to stop them. They were never heard from again. The other children heard this, and decided that Icy needed to be stopped. So they ordered several super soakers online from ebay (and waited the four months it took for them to get to Nome), filled them with hot water (which didn't stay hot for long), and set out on an Icy hunt. Icy heard rumors that the children were coming after him and decided to prepare, after all, he had almost half a year to get ready. He bought an ice axe, a bow, and, naturally, a headband. Now he was ready. The children broke up into several different patrols that took twenty minute shifts so they could thaw out the super soakers and fill them with hot water again. Every time one of the patrols caught up to Icy, they hosed him down with hot water. They were never heard from again. When Icy realized what was happening, he decided to come up with a plan. "This isn't cool," he said every time the children soaked him with their water. Then he realized that he needed a waterproof covering, like a wolf's outer body covering. So Icy went out and skinned a wolf. The wolf was never heard from again. Icy donned his new poached fur coat, and headed out in search of the children. When the children first saw Icy, they almost didn't recognize him. If it hadn't been for the carrot sticking out of the wolf's mouth, they would have been slaughtered and never even known what hit them. As it was, the only thing different about the outcome was that they new what hit them. None of them were ever heard from again. Even now Icy the snowman roams Alaska and Northern Canada in search of vengeance on all children. Armed with nothing but his trusty ice axe and bow (and headband of course), he makes sure that most Canadian and Alaskan children are never heard from again.